Monday, June 9, 2008

Breakfast For Me

This story really reminds me of Charles Bukowski. A lot. I've always amazed my exes by my love for Bukowski's writing, being that I suppose I come off as a feminist (where, oh where would that idea come from?). Either way, I've always admired Bukowski's crass masogynistic style, and I admire diesel's crassness as well.

Breakfast For Me

by diesel

It was the smell of bacon that woke me up. That’s one sure way to get me out of bed. But no matter how good the bacon smelled Annette would always find a way to screw it up. She’s a good woman but she could fuck up a shit sandwich. I give her that one but how do you screw bacon up? You let it sizzle for a few minutes and throw it on a plate next to the eggs and toast.

She’d stand there in front of the stove looking at the frying pan splattering bacon grease all over the front of her silk nightgown. Her eyes bugged out of her head like she saw a ghost. Smoke billowing out from under the pan.

This morning she stood there over the greasy stove wielding her greasy spatula with that blank look. I groggily walked into the kitchen and said, “Smells good baby.” Then I realized the bacon was charred black and the smoke detector went off and I said, “What the fuck?”

I looked at the mess of a pan full of black bacon and smoke. And the damn smoke alarm was screaming in my ear. And hers too but she didn’t seem to hear it.

“Annette do you hear that?!”


“Do you see what you’ve done to the bacon?”


“Well don’t scream at me dammit! Fix it!”

“I never know how long to cook it.”

“Annette, if I hadn’t come in here it would STILL be burning. You’re not boiling water. You can’t let it sit there in the pan forever. You’ll burn the entire apartment complex down.”

“How am I gonna burn the complex down frying bacon?”


She said, “Oh fuck! Go back to bed.”

I popped a Lortab and made sure it went down with a beer. Then I went back to bed. I got one more shot in before I closed the bedroom door, “Turn the stove off, you bitch!”

I heard the button to the stove snap off. Now we were safe. I slept for another two hours and got up.

I haven’t been working too much lately and to be honest I need the break. I can pull a bartending shift here or there whenever I need to. For now I figure I’ll lie around and scratch my ass.

I clicked on the television set and tuned in to Fox News. They were talking about the same old things like the war in Iraq, the presidential race, the white race, the black race, the Border Patrol losing control of the fence line, another Amber Alert, some crazy bitch up north sawing her kids’ heads off and the weather. I turned the tv off and thought of what to do.

Annette finally got out of the shower and sat down next to me on the couch, still damp with a towel wrapped around her.

“What do you wanna do today,” I asked.

She pouted, “I don’t know, go somewhere and eat breakfast?”

“Ok baby. Get dressed. I’ll start the car.”

She came out ten minutes later, got in and we drove out of the apartment complex. We came up to Greenville Avenue and turned right. There’s a good breakfast spot on Greenville so that’s where we went.

We walked in and I said, “You see? That’s what bacon is supposed to smell like.”

She came back sarcastically, “Well you can come here and eat from now on then, asshole.”

“I’m just kidding dear. I like coming here with you.”

She smiled, “You’re sweet.”

We got a booth by the window near the kitchen. Her back was to the door and I was facing the door. I hate sitting in places with my back to the door. The place was crowded so it took a couple of minutes to get some service…

The waitress came over and put two glasses of water down in front of us and said hello. I looked at her and said hello back. Annette didn’t say anything. She always thought I was cheating so she always watched me when I’d talk to other women. She was like most women not trusting their men, and for good reason. I guess I deserved her suspicions because I have cheated on her. Several times. She only knows about four of them. I don’t think she could handle knowing about the dozen others. A dozen or more others.

The waitress walked away giving us time to look at the menu. She wore a short yellow button up mini-dress with a white apron. One of those little white aprons with ruffles around the edge. Cute. She had the top unbuttoned down to her brassiere. When she leaned over with the water she really leaned over showing both of us her large full breasts.

Annette was pissed, “Hello?”

“What. I said hello back. So what?”

“I saw you looking at her tits.”

The people in the next booth started to look.

I whispered, “Are you telling me I can’t say hello to people?”

She didn’t whisper, “Yes. Especially her. Mrs. BOOB JOB!”

“Shit! Every time. Every fucking time we go somewhere.”

“I know! Evey time we go somewhere you FUCK someone!”

Now we had the attention of the entire restaurant, the customers, the hostess, the cute waitress, the cooks and even the busboys. All eyes were on us. I felt like we were actors working in front of a live audience. We were the center of attention at center stage now. My anxiety started to grip my chest. Tighter and tighter…

“All right woman! You wanna give these mother fuckers a show?!”

She sat quiet but pierced my brain with her look. I was riled up.

“How ‘bout this?” I splashed her in the face with my glass of water.

“And what about this?” I splashed her in the face with her glass of water.

I stood up and screamed at her while pointing at the waitress, “I don’t even know her! It takes two to tango! Maybe she thinks I’m disgusting!”

Then I looked at the waitress and said, “You wanna fuck baby?!”

The waitress lifted one eyebrow and disappeared into the kitchen.

“You see Annette? I’m not doing anything. I don’t want her and she doesn’t want me. I’m sorry I cheated before. I love you bunny. Now let’s go home and make love?”

“Ok baby, let’s go.”

We walked out with everyone watching. They probably wanted the show to continue. I opened the passenger door for her and she got in. I walked around and got behind the wheel and cranked it up.

Annette screeched, “Wait baby!! I forgot something inside. I’ll be right back.”

“Hurry bunny, I got a hard-on the size of the Statue of Liberty!”

I watched her wiggle her ass as she tippy-toed back inside. I waited and waited and waited. What the fuck is she doing, I thought. Then she came out. She came out holding hands with the waitress! They both held hands and giggled as they ran to the car. Am I dreaming, I thought? Is some god playing a trick on me? This was going to be a great morning.

That’s what I call breakfast.

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