Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Lazër: Komodo Dragons, Old Lady Love, & a New Clothing Line for Women



The sexy. The danger. Straight from the heart of Rhineland comes a group with beats that groove and dances that make anyone’s grandma want to get up and move. Lazër, a.k.a. The World’s Sexiest, Most Danger Group in the World, a.k.a. The Sons of Rhineland, are a must-see imported riot-squad that have captured the hearts of star-struck teenagers and roller-derby girls across the MetroPlex. Over hamburgers and donuts, on a cool overcast day, we sit and rehash the past with the band’s two Speedo-clad frontmen, Briso and Hammel.

Like most Cinderella stories, this one starts in a metal factory in Lazër’s home country of Rhineland. After a tragic fire claimed the lives of several coworkers, a young Keinhorst, Hammel, and Briso were stationed together in the smelting quadrant of the factory. “This is where the three of us does a meeting and how band starts. I see Briso, and he is doing rhythmic move. Pouring the metal. Pick up the metal. Pour the metal. Keinhorst making the noises, banging on things,” recalls Hammel. “Sudden I realizes we must record this sounds and be the rock star!”lazermainpic.jpg

Sadly, before Lazër’s beats made their way abroad, Keinhorst, the band’s engineer and technological father of Lazër’s bodyguard and namesake “Lazër Crow,” died from a drug-related accident.

“Keinhorst haved many pros and cons,“ states Hammel solemnly, hiding his tears behind dark sunglasses. “He was a ass-head, so being dead is a pro. But he pick a bad time to die because we haved a rent payment due.” Details surrounding Keinhorst’s untimely death are revealed on the band’s debut album, “Let Me Dance You.”

The remaining members of Lazër made their way to Dallas through a series of fortunate (for us) accidents. Legend has it they rode a whale to the U.S. guided only by Briso’s navigational member.

“Two fun-facts about my wiener,” Briso divulges in-between bites of a donut. “One: it is kind of like compass. Two: it always is facing North Star.” Briso claims his “sexy part” is perfect for nautical navigation, which is ironic because he is afraid of water.

bh2.jpg“He cannot even be playing on Zelda water temple because he is so much scared of waters,” Hammel quipped.

Somehow, with Briso comatose from fright on the whale and Hammel forced to use the navigational dick as a guide, the duo ended up on our shores.

“We rided a whale to come to USA. Me and whale try to use Briso’s wiener to find where we is going. We still gets lost and ends up not back in Rhineland. Problem is I is just looking at the weiner; his pee-pee obviously pointing for north, but I doesn’t know what other directions is, so we lands in Texas.”

Washed ashore in Galveston, the two found sanctuary - and musical equipment - at a small church.

“The church is very nice to us,” Briso said. “They has Wednesday nights guitar church and they tell us we can eat a snacks. They says we can sleep here for a while. There is much kids with cool t-shirt and hair that is messed up, but not too messed up. They is very cool. There is also band there called ‘Spiders For Christ.’ So, we watch this band, and then we tell them that Lazër is also band, and they says, ‘Oh can you make us some of your song?’ So we get some of their instrument and make a beats, and sings them some Lazër songs we is working on before we come from Rhineland.” Hammel continues, “They hears Lazër musics is very fresh, so they loan equipments to us. Then we does little open mic thing, and apparent this is when Whale Voice Entertainment boss see us, and he say, ‘Lazër is next big thing.’ So he sign us for record contracts, and that how we go where we is now.”

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In 2006, The Sons of Rhineland entered their song “M-F-F-L” into the Dallas Mavericks Official Playoff Song Contest. The song was voted the top choice among nineteen entries, receiving over 6,000 fan votes in an online poll, but was “power-voted” out by Mark Cuban’s panel of celebrity judges, who were bullied into voting for a more “family friendly” artist. However, “M-F-F-L” made a big splash on Dallas radio and is still a fan favorite at Lazër concerts. Hammel goes way back with the team.

“Hanging out with Dirk Nowitzki all the time, I tells him what I think he should do on the court. He is the leader of team, I is leader of band. We from same part of world. So he listen to me more than he listen to coach; they is from totally different continent. I tells Dirk all he needs to know about basketballs.”

Lazër still worries that their music may have had something to do with the outcome of the NBA Finals last year.

“Reason that Mavericks lose 2006 championships is because they doesn’t pick Lazër for official playoff song,” Hammel said. “I gets mad at Dirk, and I says no more coming with Lazër to hang out during playoff. You could have maked them pick Lazër song for win the title; why you doesn’t do this? He say he have to practice. I tells Dirk to stop worry about practice and worry more about magic of picking right song. Mavericks need more danger for win NBA Final.”

Despite their ties to the team, Lazër refuses to be typecast as some kind of gimmick. “When new album ‘Twatobahn’ is done, Americans going to know Lazër from all the new hits and forget bittersweet taste from Mavericks losing,” Briso said.

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Briso is also working on a new line of clothing for women called “FutureSlut.”

“We has nice formal dresses and leisure wear for babes, with holes cut out for boobs to show,” Briso says, dead serious.

“Womans is always telling us, ‘My boobies is hot, my crotch is hot,” agrees Hammel. “So we makes a holes to cool them off. Plus, everything’s already been done in fashion beside this. We is innovating next wave.”

“We takes one step at time,” envisions Briso. “Maybe start with one boobie open, then move to other boobie, then to crotch.”

“Nice, classy apparels,“ Hamel stresses, “like for churches or nice dinners. Main goal with everything Lazër do is reaching conservative communities.”

Always hip to high-class culture, Lazër empathizes with the plight of the artist. Due to their music-making techniques, Lazër is viewed by many as an art form in and of themselves, many humanities professors regard Lazer as a musical Michaelangelo of sorts.

“Whens we is recording, we always has massive chubbies,” states Hammel earnestly. I think it help the process. It shows how serious you is about the art. If you is feeling like, ‘I don’t know if I can make a good lyrics today,’ and you looks over to see your friend with a boner, then you says, ‘Okay we is serious now.’”

“I hear Picasso haved a boner when he maked paintings,” Briso chimes in.

“I is pretty sure every great artist always have a boner when they making they arts,” agrees Hammel.

Ever the Casanova, Hammel once fell deeply in love with a performance artist named Ethel at the North Richland Hills Recreational Center.

hammeldollars.jpgShe really much old, and she have very creative way about her,” Hammel reminisces. “One day I is in weight room lifting 500lbs on the bench, and I sees this artsy lady walking in a funny way. It’s obvious she have art flowing through her all the time from how she walk. Then she fall down and do very long, passionate performance art piece. All these paramedicals, police and firemans come with truck and big lights on, and I thinks, ‘Man, this is elaborate art work!’ Performance then goes to hospital, and lady is laying in bed with eyes close, not saying nothing for three weeks, like David Blaine. After this, I thinks, ‘I must make a art with her to show I is kindred spirit.’ So I go on bed and start doing the performance art on her for like five minutes…”

“You mean like rape?” asked Briso.

“What?” Hammel asks back innocently. “What you is talking about?”

“Rape. It is when you do art with babes.” states Briso matter-of-factly.

“Oh yes, so I rapes her, and now I guess I cannot come back because I dumb policemans think I interrupt her artwork…” Hammel breaks off, visibly holding back a flood of emotion.

“I never has seen a girl win Sneaky’s heart,” Briso says tenderly. “He is cold-stone except for this Ethel.”

Recently, the band has added a fabulous ninja-guitarist (Ice von Shredula), a bassist with a TV-head (CRT-2000), and drummer (Prince John, who bears a striking similarity to Fishboy’s drummer). King Jon rounds out the group, acting as “crow-keeper” and protecting audiences from certain death.

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Complete with some of the sexiset dance moves around and hip beats, Lazër promises a fun time for all, especially the ladies.

Their first album “Let Me Dance You” includes genre-bending, techno-rap hybrid hits such as “Lazër Party Countdown,” “Lazër Crow”, “Dance For Racism“, and the ever-popular “Night Moves,” and is available through the band’s website, LazerTheBand.com. The site also boasts music videos, up-to-the-minute Lazër news, pictures, show schedule and the like. Lazër is also on MySpace at MySpace.com/LazerTheBand. Word on the site is the band is planning a return to Rhineland for a few months to work on their new album, “Twatobahn.”

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B: Tell them about twatobahn.

H: We is very excited about new album. Name is very clever idea of “Twat” and “Autobahn” put togethers.

B: Hammel is make the beats. He very modest, as you can tell…

H: Yes. I is also very awesome.

B: He do most of the musics-writing. I does most of the Komodo dragon training. I makes dragon do tricks, like, “Don’t go over there,” and, “Eat this food!”

H: That not really part of making the record…

B: But if I doesn’t make him do that, he going to eat your beat machine.

H: He spends $3 million for Komodo dragon. It cost $1.7 million, but the other monies he spend to have transported all this little outfits and foods for dragon, so…

GP : Can he play soccer? Would you pay the dragon millions to play soccer?

B: I tries to put a little sport equipments down there, so he could play the hockey, but he just eat it. I is not very good at training him, but I does it a lot.

H: I consider you very much good at training him. If I is watching hockey and I sees one player eating everything, I say he is best player.

-interview conducted by Derek Glenn and Alison Marie Welsh
-pictures by Alison Marie Welsh and Luke Rose



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